If Excuses Burned Calories

The only thing worse than a burpee are the excuses people use to get out of them. And by “burpee”, I mean fitness. I think we all realize that sweating our ass off isn’t the most enjoyable activity in the world, at least not in the beginning. Why yes, I am physically fit stranger/co-worker/friend, but your comments and excuses as to why you’re not as well are quite frankly… bullshit. So here, my friends, is my rant about things I’ve heard from others and quite possibly have said myself a time or two. Go ahead and get the ointment out, because this may burn a little bit.


Bitch, please. I was younger once, and also almost 40 pounds heavier. The reason we gain weight as we get older is because we get lazier. Yes, your metabolism slows down and blah blah blah, but that doesn’t mean you have to. I’m prettttty sure all these folks I see at the gym or out running aren’t ALL in high school or college. You spend hella time fixing those gray hairs, how about you work on the inside, too. Need some motivation? Try googling elderly body builders, you’ll feel reeeeeal good about yourself after.

Okay so yes, this obviously holds some merit. Having kids does tend to make things gravitate towards the equator and takes up a lot of time, but it still shouldn’t be your scapegoat… nice try. Find a gym with a daycare or take those adorable munchkins with you on a run, problem solved. You want to play with your kids when they’re older, right? Well you can’t do that with kankles that hold you down, and you certainly can’t do it if you’re in a hospital bed. And while we’re at it, I think I may be the first person ever to say this out loud, but it’s friggin’ rude to pull the “kid” card. Why yes, I realize you have found your soul mate and have experienced the miracle of child birth. Cool story, bro. The Big Man and I are still working out those details, thanks for reminding me.

Riiiiiight, because all of these super fit people walking around were once just sitting on their couch watching Seinfield and one day said, “hey, I’ve got a ton of free time on my hands, I think I’ll start lifting things up and putting them back down again”. THE HELL THEY DID. We all have obligations… seriously, everyone. You are not the only special person in this world who has shit to do. Kids, work, more work, hobbies, bills, family… we all have those struggles, my friend. You know what else? Eating right takes no time, it is literally a decision you have to make several times a day regardless of your level of physical activity. The decision to eat an apple instead of Cheetos takes no time, but it does take discipline. And by the way, you know what you won’t have time for if you don’t make fitness a priority? Living… when diabetes kills you, so do something about it while you can.

Ummmm, then don’t. Gyms are expensive, I get it, but God gave us these sweet things called arms and legs and we have the capability of using them without any fees attached. Here is a list of things that are 100% free: running, push-ups, sit-ups, burpees, mountain-climbers, tricep dips, crunches, lunges, squats, deciding to eat good food instead of shit, more push-ups… I could keep going, but I think you get it.

Then let it get into you (serrrrrriously resisting a pervy joke here). Find things that you like to do, we don’t all have to share the bench press 24/7. Take a walk on your lunch break, you know you’re tired of looking at your computer. Sign up for group fitness classes with your friends. Do yoga, or Pilates, or spin, or kickboxing. Go swimming. Take the kayak or bike for a lap or two. Join a kickball or softball league (I hear there’s beer).

Dumb on so many levels. We BOTH know that ain’t that damn truth, #1. #2, why would you not want to start next week or next year already freaking STOKED about the progress you’ve made? Sweet, I’d much rather spend my Thursday or the ENTIRE MONTH OF DECEMBER feeling like a fat piece of lard, that sounds like a damn good time. Not to mention, your ass could be grass by that time (you just never know), so take control of your life today… right now (maybe after you finish reading this).


Okay, so… rant over, for now. Take some of that tough love and use it, my dears. You deserve to feel good and look good, I promise. I hate to break it to you, but your kids and your spouse and your boss aren’t stopping you. The only person standing in the way of you, is you. So move.


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